Monday, December 23, 2013

23 de Deciembre

Cuando era pequeña lo que mas esperaba era el verano. No solo para ir a tomar sol, o por que a no iba ir a clases, ni por ir a la alberca, si no la razón por la cual esperaba tanto que llegara el mes de Junio era porque siempre íbamos a Delicias. Cuando vivíamos en Oregon, el viaje a Delicias se me hacia eterno. Manejábamos aproximadamente 32 horas. Al cruzar la frontera solo quedaban 5 horas, y esas si se pasaban rápido. Tal vez porque a ese punto mis papas estaban desesperados por llegar. Pero al estar en la Colonia División del Norte calle Fco. Villa #619 todo el cansancio y desesperación del camino se nos aliviaba al instante. Mi hermano y yo corríamos a la puerta a tocarle y gritarle a mi abuelita Petra que ya llegamos. Desde la cocina nos veía y la oía decir "ya llegaron mis tesoros." En cuanto nos abría la puerta nos daba un gran abrazo tan tierno y fuerte diciendo cuanto nos estañaba. De pronto nos mandaba a la tienda de la esquina a comprar comida y siempre nos daba dinero extra para nuestras chucherías. Nos cocinaba todos nuestros platillos favoritos como alitas de pollo con arroz o carne asada con papas fritas, y siempre con ensalada de lechuga y pepino con limón y sal. Para en la tarde todos mis tíos y primos llegaban a saludarnos y empezar con sus fiestas. Era mi maravilla estar en Delicias, odiaba dormirme, se me hacia un desperdicio. Siempre lloraba cuando llegaba el día de regresar a casa pero mi abuelita nos aseguraba que nos esperaba hasta la próxima vez.

Hoy es el del aniversario en que nos dejo ese ángel, seis anos sin Ella y todavía puedo escuchar su voz, gritándole a mi mama que no me pusiera a alzar en mis vacaciones y que si a ella le toca morirse se iba morir feliz sabiendo que sus hijos ya todos tenían su vida hechas. Fue un día muy triste cuando no la robaron. La Navidad ha sido muy triste sabiendo que ya no esta y que se nos fue en fechas que se suponen son felices y de pura fiesta. Lo que me da mas tristeza todavía es que mi hijo nunca va a poder conocer a esa mujer increíble. El día que supimos sobre su diagnosis de Síndrome de Down, podía ver en los ojos de mi mama cuantas ganas tenia de llamarle y decirle y oír que le dijera mi abuelita que todo iba estar bien y nada iba a cambiar. He tratado de ser fuerte para mi mama pero a mi también me ha dolido mucho su ausencia. Quisiera que mi abuelita pudiera estar aquí para que le toque las mañanitas a mi hijo en su día como no lo hacia a todos. Quisiera que ella lo viera y que nos dijera que va hacer un gran hombre y no tenemos nada de que preocuparnos. También nos diría como le encanta oírlo reírse. Ojala y mi hijo sienta tanto amor de sus abuelitas como yo sentí. Tal vez no las tuve mucho tiempo, ni las veía todos los días, pero siempre recordare de su amor.

Mi abuelita tenia tanta sabiduría y quisiera tenerla aquí para preguntarle sobre ciertas cosas de Gio. Que pensaría ella de el y su diagnosis? Que me hubiera sugerido sobre sus atrasos? Cuando no estaba subiendo de peso, que nos hubiera dicho? Cuando no quería caminar me hubiera dicho que era normal? Ahorita que todavía no habla, que me diría? Hay veces que me dan celos porque la abuelita del papa de mi hijo si conoció a mi hijo y lo quiere tanto. Me da mucha felicidad ver sus abuelos con mi hijo, aunque mi hijo se enfada a veces con ellos, por corajudo y chiple. Ellos se preocupan porque no come bien y porque duro mucho sin crecer, y constantemente pienso en lo que diría mi abuelita. Lo que es seguro es que me lo esta cuidando desde el cielo igual que a todos sus seres queridos. Le pido a Dios que me ayude a ser un décimo de la mujer y madre que era ella. Seis años sin ver su sonrisa ha sido difícil, pero algún día nos veremos de nuevo. Ojala y visite a mi hijo en sus sueños como lo a hecho con mi hermana. Tal vez nunca probaran su comida ni sentirán sus abrazos pero si sentirán su amor y la conocerán por medio de nosotros que nos toco conocer a esa gran mujer.


Descanse en paz Petra Gutiérrez de González
06/29/1944 - 12/23/07

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Challenges in Communicating

Gio is three years old. He turned three in October. It is a little obvious that with the Down Syndrome there will be several things that are not "normal" and he will be delayed. As I have mentioned before, Gio doesn't have a very large vocabulary. He doesn't hold a conversation. When communicating with him it's still a lot of yes or no questions, or asking him to point to what he needs. He was signing a lot while he was receiving speech therapy, but that had to stop because he turned 3 and he was suppose to start school in January, but I have decided against it and have him wait until the fall. I was told he can be referred to a speech therapist while we wait for him to start school so I will be looking into that. It's a bit upsetting to see him regress. For a while he was counting everything and very clearly and he signed "please" and "more" and "milk" and saying "teta" (bottle). Now I can barely get him to count to three on his own and he refuses to sign. Part of it is my fault because I take advantage of his progressions. I forget that I have to constantly repeat things to him or he forgets it. When I count to him to ten he will just say "uno" or "dos" over. I did, however, get him to say "agua" (water) yesterday, and that means he is going to take a bath.

I helped a lot with my sister when she was born and as she grew. I took for granted how quickly she picked up on things and how she would remember everything, as long as she was shown once. I mentally compare her and Gio all the time. How old she was when she started walking, how much she talked when she was three, how independent she was when she was four. My sister was three while I was pregnant and she asked millions of questions. Her curiosity was annoying, but now I get jealous. I'm so mad that I didn't enjoy and take the time to answer her questions and listen to what she had to say and just admire her knowledge at such a young age. While I was pregnant, she asked me "how did a baby get inside your tummy?" I laughed and told her I ate it. She told a friend's little cousin that the baby was a little seed that was running, running and that I wanted a baby so I caught it and ate it. They were both so shocked that I ate babies. It was hilarious. Her imagination at that age was icnredible and still is to this day. She is extremely smart and creative. This is what I expected my son to be at the age of three.

When I express myself to people, most of the time the responses are "but he IS smart, he learns so quickly," "he will talk don't worry," "he knows how to talk he's just lazy," "he's just babied too much," "a lot of three year olds don't talk." All of these I know come with good intentions, but sometimes I just wish someone would tell me that it's ok that he doesn't talk, but for them to acknowledge he has Down Syndrome. I wish instead of making excuses someone would help me find a way to help him. I do get lazy A LOT, but because I'm in so much denial still. I keep thinking it'll go away and tomorrow he will be asking me why his dad always falls asleep on the couch, or why Mater is so good at wrestling, or how far away the moon is because Mater got there really fast, or why Jack can't be Santa Claus why does he have to be the Pumpkin King. I want him to tell me to tell Santa Claus that he wants a Chuck dumptruck for Christmas. I want him to ask me to make him chicken with rice for dinner or to change the T.V. to the bubble guppies. He IS smart and he IS amazing. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Sometimes I catch him staring blankly as though he was lost in some very interesting thought. He laughs at random things in certain movies he's seen over and over and I want to ask him what he found so funny this time that he didn't see last time. I am so excited for the day he will communicate freely with me. I daydream about conversations we will have in the future and how he will respond and things we will laugh at together. The places he'll ask me to take him to. Until then, I'll pretend we have these conversations and continue to push him to communicate with him even when he's frustrated and annoyed that we pressure him.

It blows my mind how much we take advatange of on a day to day basis. You expect for your kids to be "normal" that when life throws you those curveballs it's a pain that won't go away. It isn't even self-pity, as most people would assume. It's a pain of knowing you're child won't experience things a certain way and since we live life that particular way. Everyone keeps asking what I want for Christmas and what I'm going to give Gio for Christmas. Of course I'm going to get him actual presents that he can open, but the one thing I'm going to give him is my patience and love and my presence. I won't ever let him feel alone even if it means I stand next to him for 24 hours straight so he allows me to get a break. I think the reason I can't decide what I want is because I don't need anything. I'm truly blessed, all I want for Christmas is his happiness. As cheesy as it sounds it's real, I want a whole lifetime with him. Forever; and if he never learns to really talk I will sign with him til my hands fall off. Whatever it takes.

Merry Christmas to everyone! (:
XoxoX